Scot Ranney's LearnJazzPiano.com archive: Humor

LearnJazzPiano.com archives: Humor
Scot -- 10/31/2004, 18:19:43 -- #8503

A man goes to the shrink wrapped in nothing but cellophane. The guys, "Doc, you gotta help me, tell me what wrong!" The doctor says, "Well, clearly, I can see your nuts."
Roar -- 11/02/2004, 09:34:23 -- #8549
Haha
A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!" "Bass solo."
Whacky -- 11/02/2004, 10:34:57 -- #8552
Old Timer's Bar
The sign says, "Old Timer's Bar - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They all look at each other, then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.' The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?" The bartender says, "I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same." "Wow, that's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender replies, "Oh, they're all musicians...they're waiting for happy hour."
sid -- 11/02/2004, 13:05:30 -- #8560
Maybe the last chance, but I fear not...
Dick Cheney in his office. Phone rings "Hey Dick, it's George. I got a jigsaw puzzle of a cute little chicken but I just can't seem to put it together. Can you come over and give me a hand". G Bush in his office. Cheney enters."Dick, help me here, why can't I fit these pieces together?" "Well, Mr President, I'd say that's because what you've got there is a packet of Corn Flakes"
Scot -- 11/02/2004, 16:07:53 -- #8565

Yeah, I like that one :)
Scot -- 01/11/2005, 21:28:51 -- #10307
A message I got from Phil Kelly
WHILE MAKING LITTLE BLACK DOTS ON MUSIC PAPER- YOU MAY FIND VALUE IN THE FOLLOWING! "New Musical Terms That Don't Exist But Should." Some examples: IMPROVALIENATE (im prov aa' lee un ate) v. To play on chord changes you know when the tune's real changes are too difficult (i.e. "I Got Rhythm" for "Giant Steps"). HALEBOPITUDE (hale bop' a tude) n. The act of "taking it outside" when lost in a solo that has no hope of getting home. GEETARDY (gi' tar dee, or gi tar' dee) adj. When a student is late for a guitar lesson. BONEFIED (bone' a fide) v. p.t. What happens to the heads of big band saxophone players when the trombone section lets things slide too far. REHARM (ree' harm) v. 1. To reharmonize by using substitute chords. 2. To cause even more damage to a song on your second chorus. MORENDO KEVORKIAN (moor en' doe ku vork' e an) adj. Slower and softer, until the music completely dies out. YANNI RIGATONI (yan' ee rig atony) adj. Hollow, empty, and without meaning. (See also KENNY JEE PERISM). NEWT FLUTE (noot' floot) n. An instrument in the woodwind family that makes loud squeaking noises when played from the extreme right side of the mouth. FLOOL (floo' ul) n. The standard game of pool played with a flute in place of the cue stick. TUBASM - (too' baz um) n. When a tuba player experiences a moment of extreme pleasure upon properly executing the cadenza at the end of the Saint-Saens cello concerto. Usually accompanied by three to five full body spasms. (Ex. "Don bragged of having several tubasms in one night.") CRACKER - (crack' er) v. First note of the trombone solo in Ravel's Bolero. SNARITY- (snair' ritty) v. Degree of crispness of a snare drum sound. CLARIPHYLL - (clar' if ill) n. A green solution that you soak your reed in. It makes your instrument smell minty. FIDDLORITY- (fidl' orrity) n. What the Concertmaster feels about his instrument as compared to the other members of his section. BASSOONER - (bass' ooner) v. Woodwind player who makes his entrance too quickly. (See also OBONER). OBONER - (oh boner') v. Why the soloist must remain seated while playing The Swan Of Tonuela. BANJOLF - (ban'jolf) n. The standard game of golf played with a banjo instead of the usual clubs. (See also BANMINTON, BENNIS, BANBALL and BANPUT.) CONDOCTRIN - (con dock' trin) n. Interpretation by the composer; also a nasal spray that claims to reduce the swelling of the Director's head.
Jamie Cullum: Twenty-Something
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
sid -- 04/06/2005, 12:47:23 -- #12525
Jamie Cullum rant
I probably shouldn't have, but I laughed out loud at the marvellous attack on Jamie Cullum in the BBC Radio 4 show Mitch Benn's Crimes Against Music. There's some kind of bug on the site but if you persist you can get to a re-run of the show broadcast on 5 April from http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/ It starts at about 20 minutes in, goes on for what seems like hours and, well, you can't argue with the point of view. sid
Kai -- 05/07/2005, 15:55:34 -- #13619

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to: the Italian guy ''You're in charge of sweeping'' the Scotsman ''You're in charge of shovelling''the Chinese guy ''You're in charge of supplies.'' He then says, ''Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that pile.'' So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and, when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, ''Why didn't you sweep any of it?'' The Italian replies, ''I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a Fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere.'' Then the foreman turns to the Scottsman and says, ''And you; I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'' The Scotsman replies, ''Aye, ye did, lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either.'' The foreman is real angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... ''SUPPLIES!!"
Scot -- 05/08/2005, 03:30:44 -- #13631

Took me a moment :)
Scot -- 05/08/2005, 03:49:51 -- #13633

A proton walks into a bar and says, "Gimmee a drink." The bartender says, "Are you over 21?" The proton says, "I'm positive!" ----------------- Two muffins are being baked in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's getting pretty hot in here." The other muffin screams, "Holy sh*t! A talking muffin!" ----------------- A snail crawls into a bar and finds out there's a strict "no snail" policy when he gets kicked into the street by the bartender. A year later the same snail crawls back in and asks the bartender, "What did you do that for?"
SolArt -- 06/22/2005, 05:56:39 -- #15405

What did the music student warn when he saw the banana peel? ---"Rather see sharp than be flat!"
SolArt -- 06/22/2005, 06:23:04 -- #15406
A true story
Here's a sort of a joke, nothing much to do with music, perhaps you older guys will laugh. It was actually the funniest dream of my life, I woke up laughing...the opposite of a nightmare. In the dream I was younger (It's an OLD dream), & our large family was sitting around a ping-pong table, eating those hot jalapeno peppers that come in those little jars. All of a sudden an Amazon-type parrot's voice was heard by me, saying,"Hey! Give me one!" The cage was on the piano, & we never had a parrot. So I reach in & pull one out with my finger & thumb, & give it to him. So he swallows it & then ever sooo sloooowly opens his beak wider & wider while audibly exhaling, as it was burning his mouth & throat. I started laughing then really hard, because it was so comical, but then the bird sort of tilted its head at me sideways, you-know how birds often do, & said, "Mama Mia, that's a spicy meatballa!". And I thought I'd pop because my laughing was already climaxed out. I woke up laughing my head off, back in those days my brother & I shared the bedroom, & it seemed like hours telling him the dream as I was laughing so hard!
Jamie Cullum: Twenty-Something
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
Kai -- 06/22/2005, 09:34:06 -- #15409

3 notes walk into a bar: a C, a G & an Eb...... "Sorry," says the barman...................... ... ... .... "We don't serve minors!"
Whacky -- 06/22/2005, 10:07:53 -- #15411

Three musicians and a drummer walk into a bar...
Scot -- 06/22/2005, 15:07:55 -- #15436

:)
SolArt -- 06/22/2005, 18:24:52 -- #15446

Good one Kai! OK, at a bar Einstein is the bartender, and he has a "cartoon idea lightbulb" shining over his head. Then 3 notes with those cone-shaped "dunce hats" on come walking in: a D, an F, and an Ab. So Einstein says, "Get out of here you dimwits!"
SolArt -- 06/22/2005, 19:08:18 -- #15452
Cartoon I wrote, one panel
There's a tombstone with a "thought cloud" coming out from the deceased. What is he/she/(it?) thinking?... "I'm so bored!"-------------or/and------------------"I feel rotten!"
SolArt -- 06/22/2005, 19:17:31 -- #15453
More
What did the corpse say to the already attending crowd at the deadman's shindig as it climbed out of its grave rather late in front of everybody? ............................................."Anybody got a certs?"
Jamie Cullum: Twenty-Something
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
SolArt -- 06/22/2005, 19:31:51 -- #15454
Yah ha ha
What's a vampire's favorite hot beverage? ........................................Tea brewed from old tampons!
SolArt -- 06/23/2005, 19:11:24 -- #15497
Cartoon
A centipede couple are in bed, missionary position, sort of under the sheets. She's got the big eyelashes on, etc. The caption reads..........................."Damn, I can't find it!"
Whacky -- 06/29/2005, 20:58:27 -- #15888

A guy walks into the doctor's office with green beans in his nose and carrots in his ears. He say's "Doc, I'm jut not feeling well" The Doc says, "Well I can see you're not eating right"
SolArt -- 06/30/2005, 03:36:24 -- #15899
...eins, zwei, g'suffa!
What did the American hooker say at the Oktoberfest in Germany? .........................."This butt's for you!"
SolArt -- 06/30/2005, 15:41:01 -- #15951
Alternative answer
What did the corpse say to the already attending "people" at the deadman's shin dig as it climbed out of its grave rather late in front of every body? ..............................."Mitchum's the word."
SolArt -- 06/30/2005, 15:48:10 -- #15953
Cartoon
Close-up of Apple on someone's head, by tree, with an arrow stuck in it. An angry worm is part-way out scolding: .........................."You son-of-a-b - - - -, you shot my wife!"
Jamie Cullum: Twenty-Something
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
SolArt -- 06/30/2005, 15:55:35 -- #15955
Skeleton Defense Device (Cartoon)
An extremely frightened & worried skeleton is really "making tracks" towards the viewer at whatever angle, because: ..................He's(?) being chased by a pack of very hungry salivating dogs!
Whacky -- 07/04/2005, 13:12:05 -- #16129

A Turkish drummer has had a lifelong ambition to visit America to study jazz drumming with his idols. In order to earn enough money for the venture he has joined "Abdul Ahmed's Club Date Band" which specializes in Turkish music and is much renowned in the circuit of well-paid society gigs. After saving up enough money he leaves the band and moves to the United States where he takes private lessons from his favorite drummers ..... Steve Gadd, Jack De Johnette, Terry Bozzio, Peter Erskine and James Preston. After two years of hard study and penniless, he returns to Turkey, where necessity once again forces him to join the famous Abdul Ahmed. Eager to show off his recently acquired jazz licks, the drummer crams every available space in the arrangements with fills and breaks of astonishing complexity, displaying all of his breath-taking technique. After enduring an hour of deafening pyrotechnics, Abdul Ahmed approaches the drummer during the intermission and takes him to one side. "You know, I think what you are doing is very nice. Very, very nice," he says smiling patiently, "but all we need here is a simple backbeat on seven and nineteen."
SolArt -- 07/05/2005, 08:39:26 -- #16151
Original Limerick
I met a man with one leg and from me he did beg, "Hey you fool, bring me a stool" But instead I gave him a peg!
Whacky -- 07/05/2005, 10:06:57 -- #16155

I felt sorry for myself when I had not shoes...until I met a man who had no feet...so I walked up to the man and said, "Hey Buddy, ya got any shoes you're not using?"
SolArt -- 07/05/2005, 12:42:39 -- #16160

In case anyone needs an artificial limb and has the money not; "Hell far (fire), jus' sneak in a fashion shop late at night, findja' the right maniken, and saw off whatcha' need!"
Scot -- 07/05/2005, 19:24:15 -- #16185

Before criticizing or judging someone, it's important to walk a mile in their shoes first because then you'll be a mile away, have their shoes, and you can say anything you want.
Jamie Cullum: Twenty-Something
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
Whacky -- 07/05/2005, 19:26:21 -- #16186

:)
SolArt -- 07/10/2005, 10:39:10 -- #16347

(I heard this joke in German last night at a gig, so I decided to translate it with a change or two to fit)... A piano player had a bad headache so he went to the doctor. The doctor told him he could make the repairs but he'd have to have the brains for three days. So he took 'em out & the guy went home. As promised the repairs were made on time but the piano player didn't show up. A week went by, still no-show. Another week passed, but still the brains weren't picked up. And yet a third week. Finally the doctor saw the pianist walking around town one day. He said, "Hey, aren't you the piano player who left his brains with me over three weeks ago? They're ready." But the piano player replied, "Yeah, they're mine but I don't need them any more, I've taken up drumming!"
charlp88 -- 07/29/2005, 11:14:40 -- #17037
I hit the lottery!!!!
A jazz musician hits the lottery for 5 million bucks and his buddys ask him what he is gonna do ? so he says I guess Ill keep gigging till the money runs out.
charlp88 -- 07/29/2005, 11:15:55 -- #17038
Are you a gentleman?
Definition of a Gentleman; some one who knows how to play the accordion , but doesnt.
Scot -- 08/01/2005, 20:44:16 -- #17148

True story. I was talking to Bob Florence at the jazz camp the other day and somehow it came up that I used to be a lead trumpet player. He said, "So how did you turn into a gentleman from an asshole?"
Whacky -- 08/01/2005, 20:48:51 -- #17149

heh heh - were you a lead player:)
Jamie Cullum: Twenty-Something
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
Whacky -- 08/01/2005, 20:50:21 -- #17150

~just kidding of course...some of my best friends are lead players:)
Scot -- 08/02/2005, 13:07:20 -- #17174

The power behind leading trumpet section was nice. If someone in the band pissed me off I would point the trumpet at them for some of the screamers, but the most fun part had to be when we rehearsed as a section once or twice a week and made our own decisions on fall offs, lifts, shakes, etc... sometimes we were at odds with the conductor, but most of the time I was pretty sensible about it. That was when we were all really into Chase and Maynard in the MF Horn days.
Whacky -- 08/02/2005, 14:27:36 -- #17182

Yeah, I've played with some pretty great lead players, but they always seemed to leave their last hight note hanging a little past the conductor's cut-off:) I was on a Maynard gig once (a different band that opened for him) There was no place to hide the hour before the gig - there was a screaming lead player warming up in every room - including the guy that was playing with us! How many lead players does it take to change a light bulb? (or play a Maynard gig?:)
Scot -- 08/02/2005, 15:21:32 -- #17193

Hmmm, just one, but all the rest say they could do it better?
Whacky -- 08/02/2005, 16:08:59 -- #17198

something like that - ha:)
SolArt -- 08/14/2005, 18:09:45 -- #17599

What do you call it when you change your sex life? ........Turning over a new fig leaf!
Jamie Cullum: Twenty-Something
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
Kai -- 08/15/2005, 15:19:08 -- #17644

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile. "Hello," she said, as she waited for her change. "Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion. "Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.. The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height. On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We ******* on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number." The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."
flicklers -- 08/16/2005, 10:22:14 -- #17670
Readers Digest imitates LJP
I was reading Readers Digest this morning (ok, I'm an old guy) and read this joke: "Three notes walk into a bar: a C, an E-flat and a G. The bartender says he doesn't serve minors. So the E-flat leaves and the C and G have a fifth between them." It sure sounded familiar so I looked and sure enough: Kai -- 06/22/2005, 09:34:06 -- #15409 3 notes walk into a bar: a C, a G & an Eb...... "Sorry," says the barman...................... ... ... .... "We don't serve minors!" It seems like it would be a little over the head of a general audience but what the hey.
sdm -- 08/16/2005, 11:23:59 -- #17672

Wow - famous!
Kai -- 08/18/2005, 07:25:52 -- #17720
A load of Bull
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister "when i get out there if I decide to buy a bull, I will contact you to drive out after me and haul it home". The brunette arrives at the bull ranch, inspects the bull and decides she wants to buy it. The man says he will sell it for $599 no less. After paying him she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks in and tells the man behind the counter "I want to send a telegram to tell my sister I have bought a bull for our ranch, and I need her to hitch up the trailer so we can haul it home". The man behind the counter states he would be glad to help, and adds "its only 99 cents a word. Realising she only has enough money to send one word........... she thinks for a minute and says she wants to send the word "comfortable". The man behind the counter states "how is she ever going to know you want her to hitch the trailer up, drive out here and haul the bull back just by sending her the word "comfortable??" The brunette explains..."my sister is blonde.... the word's big....she will read it very slowly.......com-for-da-bul".....
jazzvirtuoso -- 08/25/2005, 17:23:11 -- #18002
Thins that make you go hmm...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm..) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
7 -- 09/02/2005, 13:51:18 -- #18450
Jazz Haiku
Last weekend I did a Jazz gig with a great Tenor Sax player. He forwarded this joke(?) that's been making the rounds (author unknown): Jazz Haiku Money's everything. Playing any gig that comes. Whores, we are all whores. Squeaking and squawking, All eyes roll to the heavens. The clarinet speaks. One beat to change from Harmon to cup to bucket. "Hey, who wrote this shit?" The jam session starts. Somebody calls "Giant Steps." Cold fear grips my brain. Here comes the high note. The lead trumpeter puckers. Clam, clam. "Crap!" Clam. "Shit!" Here's the girl singer Stepping to the microphone. Pitch, time, all gone now. Gig is going well. Asshole requests "In the Mood." I look at my watch. I once had a dream: Big house, new car, big money. Now I play the bass. Gorgeous chick tells me, "You sound just like Kenny G." My ego shatters. Three-eight, eleven-eight; Fuck you, Andrew Lloyd Webber. Five-eight, seven-eight... The accordion. "Squeeze box," yes, but more often "The Stomach Steinway." The woodwind doubler Practicing the piccolo: Frustration defined. Trane, Prez, Bird, Brecker; Giants of the saxophone. Eat shit, Kenny G! Pit orchestra gig; Days and nights become as one. I have no damned life. Bad intonation. Strings are sharp and reeds are fiat. Brass too loud again. Great changes, good groove: A one-in-a-million gig. No singer. Yippee! An oxymoron: "He played the accordion With delicacy." Bassoons forever Try in vain not to sound like A farting bedpost. The strings slowly tune. When they're done, the unisons Are anything but. "I can't find my note," Bemoans the confused singer. "Quit now," we all pray. The contractor calls. Months of Andrew Lloyd Webber. "Bird Lives" no longer! Solo tenor sits Under drummer's crash cymbal. "Where are my ear plugs?" That plate of hors d'oeuvres Cost more than we're getting paid. Think we underbid? Rock drummer, lounge keys, Classically trained singer: Welcome to sub hell! God bless trust fund gigs! Only have to eat ramen For a few more weeks. My drummer helped me Count the syllables In this haiku. Break time is over; Rest of band is returning. Now for that phone call. A new world's record For choruses on "A Train." My band hates me now. Checking out women. High stages, plunging necklines: Great combination. New Year's revelers: Here's hoping the stroke of twelve Sends you the hell home. Forty-two straight gigs With no requests for "Take Five." Time to call Guinness! Free jazz temptation Strikes during the bride's first dance. What Would Wynton Do? Solo pianist, Freed from all constraints of form, Heedlessly mangles. Jazz nymphs crowd bandstand Offering carnal delights. My alarm clock rings. Double-timing bone Sounds like somebody chewing On a rubber band. Jam session bassist Observes fourteen soloists, Contemplates murder. Say, do you guys know "Wedding Song" by Kenny G? Buy the damn record! I'm sending a sub. But don't worry, he'll be fine; He's fresh from rehab. * * * * * * *
Jamie Cullum: Twenty-Something
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
Conductor G -- 09/07/2005, 15:45:14 -- #18707
haaaaa! :=)
I still wish I was a pig...(LOL...NOT REALLY)
Gillie -- 09/19/2005, 12:35:15 -- #19215

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you, the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked,one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed: "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
SolArt -- 09/19/2005, 12:49:55 -- #19216

I like it! Especially as I've owned some parrots & they liked to play with items, such as beads.
Gillie -- 10/08/2005, 11:17:29 -- #19759
Politics or Humour ?
"President" Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy." No," said Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either". and 3 Brazilian Soldiers Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
charlp88 -- 10/09/2005, 10:55:21 -- #19773
name that tune
the new sax player in town has been attracting many fans as his playing was widely acclaimed. he plays a beautiful ballad then goes to the bar, where a pretty lady says ,Could you please tell me the name of that last tune?Oh sure he said that was MY fucking love for you is as deep as a mother fuckin river.so the girl says and how about the tune you ended the last set with?OH that was , your mothers cunt was a fuckin genius because it turned out a mother fucker as pretty as you.He goes to the bathroom and forgets to button his fly, so when the same gal sees him she says ,, hey man do you know your cock and balls are hanging out of your fuckin pants? Know it ? I WROTE THE MOTHER FUCKER
Gillie -- 10/11/2005, 09:07:11 -- #19845

The following is a transcript of a radio conversation between an American aircraft carrier and the British Navy. USA: "This is the captain of the USS Nimitz, you are currently on collision course with our vessel, change course immediately." Navy: "This is Captain Davis of the Royal Navy, I suggest YOU change course." USA: "Buddy, I'm the captain of the largest vessel in the American fleet. Never mind your goddamn suggestions, change course NOW!" Navy: "I really do recommend that it's you who should change course.... immediately." USA: "Just who the HELL do you think you are buddy?" Navy: "Captain Davis, Land Based Port Control Station Plymouth."
Jamie Cullum: Twenty-Something
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
Gillie -- 10/11/2005, 09:08:06 -- #19846

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go." The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, dat's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99." The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says,"All right, final question, same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" WAIT FOR IT ... Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the job?!"
jmderay -- 10/14/2005, 03:29:38 -- #19951

The couple is in action, great activity, hot summer nights ... Her : Go on wildly !! Him : Oh Yes !! Her : make it happen !! Her : Oh Yes, yes ! Her : Don't be shy ! Him : Yeaaaahh ! Her : Show me you're a man! Him : I wiiiill !! Her : Tell me the dirty things !!! Him : The kitchen, the bathroom, my clothes, my car ...
sid -- 10/31/2005, 10:57:17 -- #20449
Sun Ra
Did anyone else catch the TV show about Sun Ra on UK Channel BBC4 last Friday? It was hilarious and sad at the same time. He seemed to me to be a kind of Asperger case, but a very unusual one. It would be interesting to get the opinion of someone with psychiatric knowledge. Anyway, there was a great story about his final illness. His hospital doctor was completely baffled by this strange patient so he called a colleague: "This man insists he's from Saturn. What should I do?" The second doctor came along, took one look and said: "This is Sun Ra. Of course he's from Saturn". Have you ever heard the Arkestra's version of King Porter Stomp? The funniest piece of music of all time. Jazz is a serious business, no argument. But it should always aim be witty too, and sometimes it can even be funny. Sun Ra knew this. He was also a surprisingly interesting Monkish pianist, when he was in the mood. Respect to Sun Ra, in whatever galaxy he's gone to. sid
Gillie -- 11/05/2005, 12:55:42 -- #20626

A Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty > miles per > hour. The wife is behind the wheel. > > Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice > I > know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." > > The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly > increases > her speed to 45mph. > > The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me > out of > it," > he says, "because I've been having an affair with your bestfriend, > and > she's a far better lover than you are." > > Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly > and > slowly increases the speed to 55. > > He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. > > Up to 60. > "I want the car, too," he continues. > > 65 mph. > "And," he says,"I'll have the bank accounts,all the credit cards and > the > boat!" > > The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. > This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you > want?" > > The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. > "No, I've got everything I need," she says. > > "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" > > Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him > and > smiles. > > "The airbag." > > Moral: Women are devious, clever b*tches. Don't mess with them.
Gillie -- 11/05/2005, 12:56:34 -- #20627

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Psychiatric Services became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.""The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.""The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry . . . How soon can I go home?"
7 -- 12/31/2005, 01:11:44 -- #22617
Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians
Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians, With Their Translated "Country" Definitions 12 Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama's cherry pie Altos: Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes" Arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses Bass: The things you run around in softball Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch. Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives Cadenza: That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes Cello: The proper way to answer the phone Clarinet: Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo Clef: What you try never to fall off of Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham Cut Time: Parole Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with Diminished Fifth: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels First Inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy French Horn: Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m. Major Scale: What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!" Melodic Minor: Loretta Lynn's singing dad Minor Third: Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the barPassing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues Perfect Fifth: A full bottle of Jack Daniels Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road Pianissimo: "Refill this beer bottle" Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to see Quarter Tone: What most standard pickups can haul Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps Relative Minor: A girlfriend Repeat: What you do until they just expel you Ritard: There's one in every family Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever Staccato: How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home Tempo: Good choice for a used car Time Signature: What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in Transpositions: Men who wear dresses Treble: Women ain't nothin' but Tuba: A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!" Whole Note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Jamie Cullum: Twenty-Something
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
7 -- 02/03/2006, 13:42:20 -- #23801
Somebody emailed me this:
This is a true story. Tells a bit of a jazz musician's life that the audience doesn't think about. Subject: Another gig from hell piano story Back in my road days in the 60s, I was playing drums with the Si Zentner band. It was the common practice of that waning big band period to fill in the week nights any way one could to hopefully cover the payroll. Hence, during the week, we played some really weird joints (as did all the other remaining bands). One such weeknight gig was at a real rathole of a bar in rural S. Virginia made out of a surplus Quonset hut (!) ... So, we roll up in our "iron lung" (bus) in a snowstorm about 4:00 PM to set up. We get inside and discover a long bar on the right... and a long narrow bandstand on the left (like the old Metropole in NY) with a dull green upright piano dead center, with a narrow dance floor and tables strung out down the middle. The good ol' boy who owned the joint was telling Si how "we git all Y'alls big bands here at least twice a month... Woody Herman, Russ Morgan, Willie Nelson... hey!... ol' Woody was here just a week back!" You get the picture (I won't even mention the acoustics of the huge metal Quonset hut...) So, we commence to setting up all strung up in a row, and our piano player goes up and sits down and proceeds to run a few arpeggios up the keys. (He used to carry a tuning hammer to tweak less than awful pianos when he had time.) The lower and upper registers are as far out of tune as you've ever heard... but: The middle two octaves... nothing... nada... zilch... dead parrot. So, he pries the thing open. Inside, he finds all the strings and hammers chopped out... and the ax that was used buried right over middle C with a note attached... which read as follows: "As a service to all the unfortunate guys that will occupy this bench on future gigs, I have performed the following service to the touring musical brotherhood. "NO fuckin' body will EVER have to deal with this motherfuckin' piece of shit ever again" signed: Nat Pierce Woody Herman Orchestra (and dated about a week previously)
sdm -- 02/03/2006, 14:20:03 -- #23806

LOLROTF -- Priceless!
Scot -- 02/08/2006, 04:04:23 -- #23998

There are three different kinds of people in this world. People who do math, and people who do not.
sid -- 02/08/2006, 04:11:44 -- #23999

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. People who understand binary, and people who do not.
7 -- 03/24/2006, 16:43:09 -- #25565
The Flat Major
Ab Major = One of the things you might find if the roof collapsed on the officers� quarters. Cb Major = What the search and rescue team observed while searching through the rubble of the officers� quarters. Db Major = Until final verification of identity, the corpse will be referred to as this. Eb Major = What the new team recruit screamed upon first encountering the body. Fb Major = How the stuttering messenger delivered the news of the tragedy to his superior. Gb Major = The superior�s comment upon hearing of the gruesome discovery. 7�06
Kai -- 03/31/2006, 12:50:09 -- #25891

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse" The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon." The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!" "Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me f*** all."
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
jmderay -- 04/04/2006, 10:48:16 -- #25999

Seen on a website as the joke of the day (very circumstantial): A Polish guy goes to the ophthalmologist, who shows him a card with the letters: C Z W X N Q S T A C Z "Can you read this?" he asks. "Read it!?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"
Kai -- 05/19/2006, 04:22:38 -- #27292
Engineer Vs Manager
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says "you must be in management." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Kai -- 05/19/2006, 04:26:01 -- #27293
Not intended to be politically incorrect - just FUN
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
flicklers -- 05/26/2006, 15:31:15 -- #27591
Perfect Pitch
From The Tao of Willie (may be slightly rephrased) - The definition of perfect pitch: tossing a banjo in the trash and hitting an accordion.
7 -- 06/02/2006, 04:48:46 -- #27796
Band Request
Dear Band Leader, We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. Please play these during the reception. A Keith Jarrett compostion from his solo series. Please arrange it for ensemble in the key of B but nothing in 4/4 please. Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist play John McGlaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we liked his use of polyrhythms. One of John Coltrane's duets with Pharoah Sanders. Our guests love high register saxes. We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. So please play "The Rite of Spring". We like a tempo of about 1/4 note=93 and transpose it down 3 half-steps - it will be so much more appropriate for this occasion in the slightly lower register. Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo". The original key of B flat would be fine, but my cousin Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo in the key of D - she has kind of a high voice. When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, please just a little of Varese's "Ionization". It's such a funny piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than "The Stripper". And for the bride & groom's first dance, pleas slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings". It's so much better than "We've Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz". When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you segue to Thelonious Monk's "Ruby, My Dear" - it's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name is Ruby. It would mean so much to the family. Thanks for all your help. Depending on the outcome, we'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to our friends. We'll have your check for the fee of $250 (minus our expenses in contacting you of $12.50) by the end of next month: we're a little short as the young lady doing the balloon arch wanted her $1,850 in advance and the DJ had to be paid up front his $2,500 as normal. Our daughter assured us that your love of music was greater than your need for money, and that you would welcome the exposure you would get from playing this wedding. Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a snack sandwich and a soda (the bottles are returnable or you can pay the deposit to the butler. (somebody forwarded this to my drum teacher)
SolArt -- 06/02/2006, 07:49:51 -- #27799

Just awful! I decline.
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
7 -- 06/25/2006, 22:54:15 -- #28340
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are: 1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 4. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6 . Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness. 8. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 9. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 11 Glibido (v) All talk and no action. 12. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 14. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 15. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
7 -- 06/25/2006, 22:55:22 -- #28341

Now THAT'S a work of art! Haven't laughed so hard in a while. Pass it on.
Kai -- 06/28/2006, 14:31:30 -- #28405

A female in her fifties was observed, in her bedroom, in the nude, to be jumping up and down on her bed with obvious delight. Husband, "Do you realise how ridiculous you look?" Wife: "I don't care, I've just come back from having a mammogram result and the doctor told me that I am healthy and also that I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." Husband (laconically), "Did he say anything about your 55 year old ar**e? Wife (grinning), "Your name didn't crop up."
sid -- 09/20/2006, 15:20:48 -- #29961
This may not travel across the Atlantic but...
A woman goes to a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one. [well it made me laugh]
Whacky -- 12/07/2006, 22:16:37 -- #31600

A very intense, self-absorbed saxophone player is sitting at the bar after playing all night. A beautiful woman shyly approaches him and says, "Excuse me, I hate to intrude, but I just have to tell you that I saw you play tonight. I have never been so deeply affected by music before. It's like it woke up my mind and my heart. It also woke me up as a woman. Your music touched me so deeply that I just want to take you home with me and make mad passionate love to you all night long." The saxophone player stares at her for a moment and asks, "Did you see the first set or the second set?"
flicklers -- 12/08/2006, 07:31:53 -- #31604
Must be a good joke...
Bob Newhart in his autobiography tells this exact same joke except the point (and protagonist) was self absorbed comedians.
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
7 -- 12/08/2006, 08:27:29 -- #31605

He only had to play TWO sets? Wow, what a cushy gig!
Whacky -- 12/08/2006, 08:43:18 -- #31607

An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked whether anyone in the orchestra could step in and conduct. The only person to volunteer was the last-chair viola player. The manager was nervous. "You have no time to rehearse," she said. "You'll have to conduct the concert cold." "I know. It'll be all right," said the violist. The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Because the conductor remained ill, the violist conducted all the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations every time. Two weeks later, the conductor had recovered, and violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked, "So where've YOU been for the past two weeks?"
Kai -- 12/23/2006, 12:15:02 -- #31902

] Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking ] up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you ] Irish?" "If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if ] I was Italian"? demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked ] for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" then, ] warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot ] dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? "Or, if I asked you for a ] taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would Ya?" The assistant said: ] "Well no". Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the ] Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, ] would you ask me if I was French"? "What about Danish Bacon, would ] you ask me if I was Danish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded ] the assistant. So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the ] Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish ] just because I asked for Irish sausages?" The assistant replied: ] "Because you're in 'flipping' Homebase!"
7 -- 12/27/2006, 21:14:04 -- #32021
This has been making the rounds
HOW JAZZ WORKS From Bill Anschell's "A First- Timer's Guide to Jazz Jam Sessions" (Copyright 2001, Bill Anschell) Piano Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend. Bass Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening. Drums Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him. Saxophone Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds. Trumpet Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting. Guitar Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister. Vocals Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example A young woman is playing minor roles in college - some local critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine,""Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you--and the rest of the audience-- by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager." Trombone The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn. Picking the Tune Every time a tune ends, someone has to pick a new one. That's a fundamental concept that, unfortunately, runs at odds with jazz group processes. Tune selection makes a huge difference to the musicians. They love to show off on tunes that feel comfortable, and they tremble at the threat of the unknown. But to pick a tune is to invite close scrutiny "So this is how you sound at your best. Hmm..." It's a complex issue with unpredictable outcomes. Sometimes no one wants to pick a tune, and sometimes everyone wants to pick a tune. The resulting disagreements lead to faction-building and under extreme conditions even impromptu elections. The politics of tune selection makes for some of the session's best entertainment. Example 1 No one wants to pick a tune. (previous tune ends) (silence) trumpet player: "What the f#@? Is someone gonna to pick a tune?" (silence) trumpet player: "This s%! is lame. I'm outa here." (Storms out of room, forgetting to pay tab). rest of band (in unison): "Yes!!!" (Band takes extended break, puts drinks on trumpet player's tab). Example 2 Everyone wants to pick a tune, resulting in impromptu election and eventual tune selection. (previous tune ends) (pianist and guitarist simultaneously):"Beautiful Love!"/"Donna Lee!" Guitarist to pianist: "You just want to play your fat, stupid ten-note chords!" Pianist to guitarist: "You just want to play a lot of notes really fast!" Saxophonist: "'Giant Steps'."(a treacherous Coltrane tune practiced obsessively by saxophonists.) Guitarist and pianist (together): "Go ahead, asshole." Trumpet player: "This shit is lame. 'Night in Tunisia'." (a Dizzy Gillespie tune offering bounteous opportunities for loud, high playing.) Saxophonist: "Sorry, forgot my earplugs, Maynard." (long, awkward silence) Pianist, guitarist, saxophonist, trumpet player all turn to drummer: "Your turn, Skinhead." (drummer pauses to think of hardest possible tune; a time-tested drummer ploy to punish real musicians who play actual notes.) Drummer: "Stablemates." Trumpet player: F#@* this! I'm outta here." (Storms out of room. Bartender chases after him.) ("Stablemates") Trombonist: "Did someone forget to turn off the CD player?" Not only are these disagreements fun to watch; they create tensions that will last all through the night. (As an educated audience member, you might want to keep a flow chart diagramming the shifting alliances. You can also keep statistics on individual tune-calling. Under no circumstances, though, should you take sides or yell out song titles. Things are complicated enough already.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." --Hunter S. Thompson
Scot -- 12/30/2006, 09:38:12 -- #32064

One night in Aspen during an after hours session at a "locals only" joint, I was playing with my funky Chico's Paradise trio and having a pretty good time with it when I heard someone yell, "Someone give that @#$% piano player a tequila!" Hunter would often come to the conclusion that I wasn't nearly as out of control as I needed to be for that music and seemed to enjoy taking matters into his own hands :)
Kai -- 01/24/2007, 01:07:12 -- #32643
Being British
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a ]Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a ]Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a ]Japanese TV. ] ]And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign. Oh ]and......Only in Britain ... Can a pizza get to your house faster than ]an ambulance. ] ]Only in Britain ... Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way ]to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions - while healthy ]people can buy cigarettes at the front. ] ]Only in Britain ... Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries ]andaDIET coke. ] ]Only in Britain ... Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens ]to the counters. ] ]Only in Britain ... Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the ]drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. ] ]Only in Britain ... Do we use answering machines to screen calls and ]then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't ]want to talk to in the first place. ] ]Only in Britain ... Are there disabled parking places in front of a ]skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... ] ]3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. ] ]142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. ] ]58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of ]screwdrivers. ] ]19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas ]decorations were chocolate. ] ]British Hospitals repor
Kai -- 01/26/2007, 00:39:30 -- #32697

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a ]Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a ]Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a ]Japanese TV. ] ]And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign. Oh ]and......Only in Britain ... Can a pizza get to your house faster than ]an ambulance. ] ]Only in Britain ... Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way ]to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions - while healthy ]people can buy cigarettes at the front. ] ]Only in Britain ... Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries ]andaDIET coke. ] ]Only in Britain ... Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens ]to the counters. ] ]Only in Britain ... Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the ]drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. ] ]Only in Britain ... Do we use answering machines to screen calls and ]then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't ]want to talk to in the first place. ] ]Only in Britain ... Are there disabled parking places in front of a ]skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... ] ]3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. ] ]142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. ] ]58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of ]screwdrivers. ] ]19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas ]decorations were chocolate. ] ]British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker ]pulling accidents. ] ]101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of ]the soles of their feet. ] ]18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit ]cigarette in their mouth. ] ]A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after ]opening bottles of beer with their teeth. ] ]5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control ]Scalextric cars. ] ]And finally......... ] ]In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the ]toilet. ] ]I am proud to be British IF YOU ARE PROUD TO BE BRITISH THEN U'LL ]REPOST THIS! ] ](We might be British, but hell we are a funny lot )
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
Whacky -- 02/12/2007, 11:52:57 -- #32986
So, do I get the gig?
He sits at the drums and the band leader says, "Can you play a samba pattern with your bass drum?" The drummer obliges with a boom b boom samba pattern. The leader then asks, "Can you add a Mozambique cowbell pattern along with that with your right hand?" The drummer thinks, "I can do that, no problem" and obliges, giving it his best possible Steve Gadd. He is then told, "Now add a 2-3 clave with your left foot on hi-hat ..." The drummer struggles a little, but gets it happening. Next he hears, "Now add a cascara pattern on the snare with your left hand." Years of studying Gary Chester and listening to world music finally come to fruition and the relieved drummer finds he can play the whole pattern with no problem. Pleased with himself, he asks the band leader, "So, do I get the job? "No," says the bandleader, "that's why we fired the last guy."
Whacky -- 03/01/2007, 10:33:00 -- #33415
Priest, Rabbi, Preacher
A Catholic Priest, Rabbi and a Baptist Preacher walk into a bar... The bartender says: "What is this, a joke?"
Kai -- 03/03/2007, 12:07:59 -- #33485
Western film adverts.
Q. What's the most advertised make of car in western films. A. Audi Tish boom
Kai -- 03/04/2007, 09:35:32 -- #33501
Sorry haven't got time to tidy it up
]]A man and his wife were having some problems at home and ]]were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized ]]that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an ]]early morning business flight. ]]Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and ]]LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left ]]it ]]where he knew ]]she would find it. ]]The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it ]]was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to ]]go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a ]]piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." ]]Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. ]]
Kai -- 03/06/2007, 11:08:27 -- #33559
Wife vs Husband (again - I have a whole pageful of 'em!)
Wife vs Husband (again) A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked, sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep", the wife replied, "in-laws".
Whacky -- 03/13/2007, 08:06:12 -- #33757
New product from Apple
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-KWYYIY4jQ
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
Kai -- 05/06/2007, 07:56:32 -- #34894
Don't know if this 'internet banking' problem exists anywhere else except in UK
A 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times. Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my Plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account to the tune of �30 by way of a penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1-- To make an appointment to see me. 2-- To query a missing payment. 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client
Whacky -- 06/05/2007, 14:21:49 -- #35346
St. Peter
Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~ "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk." "Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates" "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see." "Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!" "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy." "You can load in through the kitchen."
Whacky -- 07/16/2007, 17:59:57 -- #35912
Riddle
Q: What is the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician?? A: A Blues musician plays 3 chords in front of 1000 people. A Jazz musician plays 1000 chords in front of 3 people
loveforJAZZ -- 09/16/2007, 08:27:48 -- #37114

Tell some more jokes plz.
Kai -- 11/25/2007, 10:46:10 -- #38556
I haven't logged on for quite a while and I see there's a need for some humo(u)r
For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without." "SEND EXTRA SAUCE"
sid -- 01/06/2008, 11:36:28 -- #39490

Did you see the scene in a redneck bar in the movie Talladega Nights where Sacha Baron Cohen, with the most outrageous French accent since Inspector Clouseau, puts a jazz track on the jukebox? Hilarious but also, somehow, the Story Of My Life. sid
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
Kai -- 01/10/2008, 09:01:31 -- #39581
says i tal !
A man playing golf with his friend was about to tee off when he notices a funeral procession passing. He stops mid swing, takes off his cap and bows his head in prayer. His partner remarks �Hey, that is really respectful, I�ve not seen you behave that way before.� The man replies �Well, we were married for 35 years�.
Kai -- 01/24/2008, 07:35:46 -- #39941

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJFF7QkwRaI go on watch it.
Whacky -- 03/04/2008, 07:04:21 -- #40582
NYC jazzers
Two New York City jazzers got a gig in Chicago but had to drive separate cars. When the trumpet player arrived at the gig, he was told the sax player had been killed tragically on a bridge in Indiana. He looked confused... then said, "Man, there's no bridge in Indiana."
Kai -- 04/06/2008, 12:53:03 -- #41028
ok, so it's not musical - but it's humour.
Junior School Children Writing About The Sea 1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.( Wayne age 7) 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.(Billy age 8) 6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5) 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7) 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) 9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) 11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) 12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) 13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7
7 -- 06/15/2008, 23:57:45 -- #41684
Found at WholeNote
The Sideman's By-Laws 1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you. 2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.) 3. If you don't know it, play harmony. 4. Double book, then choose. 5. Always assume the leader knows nothing. 6. Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about. 7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks. 8. Never play requests (especially if you know it). 9. Never smile. 10. Always complain. 11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement. 12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.) 13. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink. 14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor. 15. Always open spit valves over music. 16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos. 17. Always worship dead jazz greats. 18. Be negative about anything connected with the job. 19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand. 20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call. 21. If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic, don't laugh. 22. Always bum a ride. 23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty. 24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement. 25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.). 26. Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"? 27. Remember, it's not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.
charlp88 -- 02/15/2009, 08:27:15 -- #43719
DEFof a HIP replacement
An accordion for a piano
Connecting Chords With Linear Harmony, by Bert Ligon
Kai -- 11/12/2009, 10:36:56 -- #45837
It's a JOKE
A man was riding his motorbike along a California beach when suddenly in a booming voice God said, "because u've been faithful to me in all ways, l'll grant u 1 wish." "Build me a bridge to Hawaii," said the man. God said, "it's an enormous undertaking to build over an ocean, it would use up all the steel & concrete in the world, l can do it, but it's hard to justify. Is there anything else u can think of that l can do 2 help mankind." The man thought for a bit, then said, "l wish all men could understand women, l want 2 know what she's thinking when l get the silent treatment; why she cries; what she means when she says nothing's wrong & how l can make her truly happy?!" God replies, "u want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge?!"
knotty -- 02/06/2010, 06:08:03 -- #46704

Bill Cosby w/ Sonny Stitt. What amazing flow! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Zn-P0ZH3_M
Kai -- 08/01/2010, 12:20:06 -- #47676

Oh well! Since I'm logged in, I might as well leave a joke or two: Near-Classic, Mother-in-law jokes I can always tell when the mother-in-law�s coming to stay... the mice throw themselves on the traps. I haven�t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don�t like to interrupt her. My wife said �Can my mother come down for the weekend? So I said: �Why? And she said: �Well she�s been up on the roof two weeks already.� We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said: �I�ve decided I want to be cremated.� I said: �All right, get your coat.� I took my mother in law to Madame Tussaud�s Chamber of Horrors and one of the attendants said: �Keep her moving sir, we�re stock-taking.� I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother in law to the airport.
Kai -- 12/29/2010, 07:19:36 -- #48015

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI One of Britain's funniest ever comedians complaining about his Blackberry... Enjoy
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