LearnJazzPiano.com archives: Jazz Pill

7 -- 03/01/2004, 12:45:52 -- #1974

Barry said... (10/25/2002 at 10:01 PT) Dear Auntie, Please could you tell me what notes are in the jazz scale as my improvisations don't sound like jazz. I have asked people who I consider to be good players what notes are in the jazz scale but they won't tell me. They pretend that there's no such thing and feed me some line about playing major scales and such like. Do you have to be in some kind of club before you can find out? Also, please could you tell me where I can buy the jazz pill which will make me able to play like Bud Powell. This is also something that players pretend doesn't exist and they tell me that it's just a matter of study, practice and hard work. Well if that were true anyone could learn  couldn't they. On the subject of practice, my teacher says that I am not doing enough practice but I played the head from Autumn Leaves 15 times last week, what more does he want? Finally, can you tell me how to get round all this listening that everyone keeps harping on about as I don't really like jazz music but I thought I would learn it as it could be a good way of impressing girls........ Barry

7 -- 03/02/2004, 00:14:28 -- #1987

Dearest Barry, Your grammar and syntax are very good for someone with such humble beginnings and limited mental skills. Most here who are asking for advice have one or two pointed queries, whereas your letter has more question marks than carter has pills. Don't you know when to stop? Are you trying to give Auntie carpal tunnel from typing honest answers to your inane questions? To most people I give my cousel freely. But you have greatly inconvenienced Auntie with your overkill of enquiries. Therefore, in your case, Auntie has decided to charge you for her advice. Today Auntie will answer one question only. And if you want more advice Barry, donate a mere £50 to this site and I will answer one (1) more (Click on the link "Donate to LJP", found in the top left hand corner of this page). Your complimentary answer: You ask "Where I can buy the jazz pill which will make me able to play like Bud Powell?" Any friendly neighborhood voodoo witch doctor always has a supply on hand. It's a simple matter of selling your soul to the devil. The only catch is that once you've taken the pill, you'll only be able to play like Bud Powell. You won't be able  to play like anyone else - not even yourself. I know what you're thinking "Then maybe I should go for the Keith Jarrett pill instead!" Duh. Everyone knows (for obvious reasons) that the Keith Jarrett voodoo pill won't exist  until he passes away. If we take your candid assessment of your abilities ("my improvisations don't sound like jazz") to be totally true, it is quite possible that YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY HAVE A SOUL. Even if you do have one, but it's certainly of such poor quality that it won't fetch much on the open market. A Barry Manilow pill tops. Do you have a loved one or relative who doesn't need a soul and is willing to part with it so that you can play like your piano idol? Then bring 'em along when you decide to make the deal! You can definitely get better quality merchandise with two souls. And better service, too. When you actually get the pill, inspect it carefully. Make sure it has "BP" clearly stamped on it and that the lettering hasn't been altered in any way. If, for example, it has the initials BM on it, it could be a laxative or Barry Manilow. Or both. Auntie

Dr. Whack -- 03/02/2004, 07:29:02 -- #1994

Dear Auntie and Barry, I tried the BP pill, but apparently it didn not come from the jazz pharmacy.  I now have an unusually large penis.  So large in fact that it's now difficult to walk without pain.   I'm scared to take the Oscar Peterson pill because I cannot imagine what the "O" might represent in regards to penis modification.  Can you shed anylight on my dilemma? Engorged and confused

7 -- 03/02/2004, 10:09:21 -- #1998

Dearest E&C, As you know, Auntie loves big pianists. When you come to my house you will find that Auntie has many special ways to relieve the swelling and throbbing in your aching organ. This is only temporary though, the hardness will return periodically. You might have to bunk up with Auntie until we can get the curse removed. Here in Storyville we have the finest voodoo practicioners that souls can buy. Unfortunately you already have sold yours so we will have to find something else to barter with. Exorcising a spell of this magnitude will require a LOT of money. Perhaps we can put your member to service in order to earn the necessary cash. We can discuss this at our first meating. Auntie PS: Please understand that pills only become available AFTER an artist dies or (sells his soul). The Oscar Peterson pill does not exist, therefore you might want to try the Art Tatum pill instead (but that one's REALLY expensive - it'll cost you a lot more than just your lousy soul!). You might wonder why a Barry Manilow pill exists when, by all appearances, Manilow is still alive. This is because he sold his soul for the Sammy Davis Jr. pill while Sammy was still alive and  received a placebo instead from his unscrupulous witch doctor. Consequently BM plays and sings exactly as if he were dead. PPS: Next time you have a question for Auntie, start a brand new thread. Otherwise Auntie will have to charge you like  she does Barry - £50.

7 -- 03/02/2004, 21:21:21 -- #2019

Barry! I can't believe what a cheapskate you are! You only donated £25 to LJP. Do you think that Auntie gives quantity discounts? Until you come up with the other half of the money, I'm only going to answer HALF a question. You ask: "Please could you tell me what notes are in the jazz scale ..." The Jazz scale was invented around the time of J.S. Bach. Up until that time everyone had to play in only one key. This was a great inconvenience for singers, because that key was either too high or too low for them (or so they complained). It was also a royal pain for musicians, too. Often the entire band had to tune way up or way down just to accommodate the damn primping prima donna. So people finally got fed up with putting up with all the singer's temper tantrums and invented tempered tantrum tuning. This creates a scale that has twelve mathematically equal degrees, and enabled musicians to play in twelve different keys depending  on the singer's mood swings. The beauty of this is that the vocalist could no longer blame the band for her out-of-tune warblings and for the very first time in history singers had no excuse for their bum notes. Ha! Nowadays this scale  is called the chromatic scale and consists of stacked half steps. The trick to playing Jazz using the chromatic scale is to leave out a few of the notes. Barry, if you ever come up with the rest of the cash, I'll finish answering your question by telling you which notes to avoid. But tell me, Barry, does my face look blue to you? It shouldn't, because I sure ain't holding my breath for that money. Auntie

Beverly Redding -- 05/06/2004, 00:38:53 -- #4155

Dear Åuntie, I think I got the Barry Manilow pill because I do key changes constantly. The trouble is my wife is a singer and I keep changing keys and she's doing good to sing in one key and has no range at all and this pill is ruining our performance, not that it was anything special to begin with, but we sometimes get the clap! I know you don't like singers, cause you elude to the fact that they can't write, sing off key, etc I am curious, Auntie, do you sing??? Your  organ playing is well renowed, but I never heard you mention whether or not you can-- or want to sing. The truth is--- confidentially, my wife can't sing for -hit!! Is there a pill for singers? she is loud, but has no vibrato and bores the audience to death .I'll sure be glad when this Barry Manilow pill wears off me. I'm hooked on Manilow's hook--those dam key changes.Talk about hype!!!  I"m ready to sell my soul and my wife's too to get rid of this curse. However,  since neither of us is very good we'd probably be like Donnie and Marie Osmond. Good grief---incest!!!! BM   .

7 -- 06/22/2004, 23:05:26 -- #5048

Dearest Barry, It sure took you long enough to come up with the rest of that money! Better late than never. Here's is the 2nd part of the answer that you finally paid the last £25 for: "Avoid the notes that sound bad." Auntie PS: You can quote me if you like.

Beverly Redding -- 06/26/2004, 14:25:16 -- #5172

Dear Auntie, Sorry the check for the f25 bounced, but we got a gig in Siberia,actually a little outside of it---- and bank transfers got mishandled by our "flake"manager .I sent another one. While your advice I always find superior---it's hard to avoid the effects of the notes that sound bad----- as I develop a rash. Hearing the pitch slide at the end of a note with no vibrato to "keep it up----causes me to lose what money we make---by my needing to see the  dermatologist. "If my wife were a good singer I'd get her coaching, but I'm not wasting my money on the unsolveable!! Life is what we make of it, but I am finding that avoiding,ignoring only exasterbates the problem until I find it "strangling me"-------- always comes back to bite me in the A--!!! . Being a kind spirited person, I tolerate the untolerable, Awful to place the audience and friends in the position of a "no response", worse yet--- to lie .I kinda did, not exactly, sort of---ok I was wrong--it's over! I had good reasons, I thought, at the time . Noone wants to be unkind,God, maybe she needs hearing aids!!! Just thought of that. I am trying to get her to play the stringed instrument which if in tune she could do ok"? Tambourine, fine So I screwed up, I'm a nice guy, but I'm gonna do my best from now on to hit the honesty button. The rash has now reached parts that cause me to scratch like a chimp onstage. I have the "poor pitch produced jumping jock itch".I actually did a flip across the stage when she went for a "high one" and now I have a broken rib! So much for your "ignore". I'm outta  here. Obviously your musical ear, while perfect, can indeed ignore. You have managed that beautifully .Sort of an "out of the body and mind" attitude, huh? I would congratulate you but don't understand how you do it. Come to think of it, I'm afraid of learning to "ignore" I got "close" I believe it now to be a mistake. If you developed this @##$$%%% rash---"avoid" would not be an option. BM Rashed and Exasterbated!!!!

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