A man was riding his motorbike along a California beach when suddenly in a booming voice God said, "because u've been faithful to me in all ways, l'll grant u 1 wish." "Build me a bridge to Hawaii," said the man. God said, "it's an enormous undertaking to build over an ocean, it would use up all the steel & concrete in the world, l can do it, but it's hard to justify. Is there anything else u can think of that l can do 2 help mankind."
The man thought for a bit, then said, "l wish all men could understand women, l want 2 know what she's thinking when l get the silent treatment; why she cries; what she means when she says nothing's wrong & how l can make her truly happy?!"
God  replies, "u want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge?!"

An accordion for a piano

The Sideman's By-Laws

1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.
2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)
3. If you don't know it, play harmony.
4. Double book, then choose.
5. Always assume the leader knows nothing.
6. Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about.
7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.
8. Never play requests (especially if you know it).
9. Never smile.
10. Always complain.
11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement.
12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.)
13. Never leave a book in order.  Whenever possible, write on music in ink.
14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor.
15. Always open spit valves over music.
16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute  changes over his vocals or solos.
17. Always worship dead jazz greats.
18. Be negative about anything connected with the job.
19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand.
20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call.
21. If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic, don't laugh.
22. Always bum a ride.
23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.
24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an  engagement.
25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).
26. Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"?
27. Remember, it's not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.

Junior School Children Writing About The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.(Billy age 8)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.  divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7

Two New York City jazzers got a gig in Chicago but had to drive separate cars.

When the trumpet player arrived at the gig, he was told the sax player had been killed tragically on a bridge in Indiana.

He looked confused... then said, "Man, there's no bridge in Indiana."

A man playing golf with his friend was about to tee off when he notices a funeral procession passing.  He stops mid swing, takes off his cap and bows his head in prayer.  His partner remarks “Hey, that is really respectful, I’ve not seen you behave that way before.”  The man replies “Well, we were married for 35 years”.

For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian
woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money
if
she would go to  Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would
know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply
mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
fainted.
On the card was written:


"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without."


"SEND EXTRA SAUCE"

Q:  What is the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz  musician??

A:  A Blues musician plays 3 chords in front of 1000 people. A Jazz musician plays 1000 chords in front of 3  people

Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."

A 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which
I endeavoured to  pay my Plumber last month. By my
calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between
his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly  deposit of my Pension, an arrangement,
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account to the tune of
£30 by way of a  penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and  letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I,
like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter
no longer  be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware  that
it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen
employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her
medical history, and the mandatory details of his/  her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.   In due course, I
will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on  your phone bank service. As they say, imitation
is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there. 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping. 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.  6-- To transfer the call to my mobile
phone if I am not at home. 7-- To leave a message on my
computer (a password to access my computer is required. A
password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.) 8-- To return to the main menu and to
listen to options 1 through 8 9-- To make a general
complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold,
pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the  duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so  slightly less prosperous,
New Year.

Your Humble Client

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-KWYYIY4jQ

Wife vs Husband (again)
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.  An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked, sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep", the wife replied, "in-laws".

>>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
>>were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized
>>that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
>>early morning business flight.
>>Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
>>LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left
>>it
>>where he knew
>>she would find it.
>>The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it
>>was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to
>>go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a
>>piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
>>Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>>

Q. What's the most advertised make of car in western films.

A.  Audi

Tish boom

A Catholic Priest, Rabbi and a Baptist Preacher walk into a bar...

The bartender says:

"What is this, a joke?"

He sits at the drums and the band leader says,

"Can you play a  samba pattern with your bass drum?"

The drummer obliges with a boom b boom samba pattern.

The leader then asks, "Can you add a Mozambique cowbell pattern along with  that with your right hand?"

The drummer thinks, "I can do that, no problem" and obliges, giving it his best possible Steve Gadd.

He is then told, "Now add a 2-3 clave with your left foot on hi-hat ..."  The drummer struggles a little, but gets it happening.

Next he hears, "Now add a cascara pattern on the snare with your left hand."  

Years of studying Gary Chester and listening to world music finally come to fruition and the relieved drummer finds he can play the whole pattern with no problem.  Pleased with himself, he asks the band leader, "So, do I get the job?

"No," says the bandleader, "that's why we fired the last guy."

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a

>Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a

>Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch

American shows  on a

>Japanese TV.

>

>And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign. Oh

>and......Only in Britain ... Can a pizza get to your house faster than

>an ambulance.

>

>Only in Britain ... Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way

>to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions - while healthy

>people can buy cigarettes at the front.

>

>Only in Britain ... Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries
>andaDIET coke.

>

>Only in Britain ... Do banks leave both doors  open and chain the pens

>to the counters.

>

>Only  in Britain ... Do we leave cars worth  thousands of pounds on the

>drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the  garage.

>

>Only  in Britain ... Do we use answering  machines to screen calls and

>then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from  someone we didn't

>want to talk to in the first place.

>

>Only  in Britain ... Are there disabled parking  places in front of a

>skating rink.  NOT TO MENTION...

>

>3  Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their   tongue.

>

>142  Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new

shirts.

>

>58  Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of

>screwdrivers.

>

>19  Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas

>decorations were  chocolate.

>

>British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms  last year after cracker

>pulling accidents.

>

>101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled

out

of

>the soles of their feet.

>

>18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying  on a new jumper with a  lit

>cigarette in their mouth.

>

>A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years   after
>opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

>

>5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of  Control

>Scalextric cars.

>

>And finally.........

>

>In 2000 eight Brits cracked their  skull whilst  throwing up into the

>toilet.

>

>I am proud to be British   IF YOU ARE PROUD TO BE BRITISH THEN  U'LL

>REPOST THIS!

>

>(We might be British, but hell we are a funny lot  )