ok, i uploaded a highly modified version of your tune.
i'll explain why i did the things i did. one of the things i really liked was that the tune has a lot of possibilities so it was easy to get into it and make certain things happen.
disclaimer: i come right to the point when i'm doing this sort of thing. i tell it like i feel it- things that i write about your tune are only my opinion- not right or wrong.
so let's start :)
the first line i left untouched.
5: i changed the chord to fm and put in a progression to bbm to go with the new melody notes i put in. one of the things i noticed was that your melody note was also the root of the chord quite a bit. since there are 11 other notes to use, i chose some other melody notes to add interest and tension- the tension is good because then when the melody is way "inside", it feels better. tension release sort of thing.
7: changed melody notes there too because there seemed to be a lot of bb's hanging around, and this phrase also began on a bb. i felt that it would be nice to spread out the sound and start a bit lower, and work our way up past the root melodic note and play the flat 9th instead. it's also a kind of fore-shadowing because in line 9 you use the b9 as a key melodic note.
remember: melodic, harmonic, and rhythmic material should have themes and ideas that become solid because of how you wrote the tune.
ok, in line 9 i didn't change too much except that i took out some 2-5 chord progressions and just left the 5 in. at the tempo you're playing it, there's no reason to clutter things up with extra chords that aren't really necessary.
13: you'll notice i left an entire line out of your song. i looked at the words, and i looked at the melody, and i just couldn't figure any really compelling reason why that line was even in there. the vocal aspect of it is sort of a cliche' (so why use it again?) plus, the way the song is written, you kind of get a feeling that the idea of being happier alone is sort of where the mindset of the lyricist is.
now, at the current measure 13 i've made a few changes, both melodically and harmonically. i left your general idea in there, but for rhythm, i thought it would be nice to think about reminding people of the line before by paraphrasing the earlier rhythm a little bit, same with the triplet for "love would be". putting that triplet in there ties it in, makes it more legit, with the line before it. using that triplet idea ties things together.
at 21 i dramatically altered your harmony and to a certain extent, your melody. i kept your intervalic idea, but changed the notes to go with the new harmony better.
then at measure 23, i stretched out the words and melody. i figured it would be nice to add some humor to it, so i stretched out the last line and put the punch-line of the lyric at the end. i left out the original last line, there seemed to be absolutely no point in the melody or the lyrics.
the changes i made in your tune were for specific reasons. first, i wanted the melody to be able to stand up on it's own a bit better. when you write a tune, try to make the melody be strong enough so that you don't need chords or a bass note. just the melody alone should be good enough, and didn't feel like your original melody was as strong as it could have been in all areas of the tune.
another reason i made changes was that i wanted the tune to be more fun for me to play over. it's going at a nice medium up swing tempo and the chords were a bit bland for me, so i spiced things up while trying to stay within the original idea of the tune. at this point, i can sit here and play though the form as many times as i want and playing lines over it and such is quite a bit of fun.
i think you should write as many songs as you can, as fast as you can pump them out. the more you write, the more experience you'll have. not to say you don't have any now, just saying to keep up the tune writing. writing tunes is also one of the best ways to stretch your own playing- as long as you try new things in yoru tunes.
ok, that was a lot :)