this may seem like a strange question, but do you guys have relationships with women and if so, how do you make them work?

about a week ago a woman ended a relationship with me, partly because i am too much into my playing and i donīt take enough interest in other things in life. i guess my passion for jazz piano makes me emotionally distant in a way when it comes to women.

sad part is i really liked this girl so i feel really depressed that itīs over. so how do you get a good balance between relationships and music?
There are 35 comments, leave a comment.
i'm probably much older than you, but you will find that your music will be much more reliable than relationships. most women try to compete with men's hobbie's

move on she probably wasn't worth the extra effot anyway.

oh yea, almost forgot. the music thing was just a convinent excuse to cut you a loose.

quite a few guys here disagree with my sentiments regarding women, but as you live, look, listen and learn, you will find that they are spot on.


jv'
i am 25 and married.  while jazz is a passion of mine(and my partial career), it is not, nor ever will be, as important to me as my wife.  the way to make relationships work is to realize that you have to compromise.  if she feels like you are spending too much time at the piano, then take some time away and spend it with her!  your music will become better because of it. it's all about compromise.....that is how you balance relationships. it might be a healthy thing for you to make it a point to make your mind wander away from the piano sometimes.  i think this is a healthy thing to do, and would probably help you with relationships.
ingred jensen once said something that a lot of musicians could learn from:

"life isn't about music, music is about life."

what that means is that if you spend all your time at the piano, all you'll know is the piano, but you'll come up short on all those things that make music so wonderful- pleasure, pain, excitement, terror, everything.  

so your ex on one hand had a point, but on the other hand, as jv said, the piano thing was her vocal reason for leaving, but probably not the real one.  

me, i have a hard time with relationships. not because i spend too much time at the piano, but my entire life has been based on always doing what i want, when i want to.  never worked for someone else in my adult life.  part of that is when someone tells me to do something i react... poorly (ask me, yes, tell me, no).   well, my free-wheeling ways send chaos into relationships like chips into finely formulated salsa.  things go awry.  hey, i have no problem with compromise, but if it's a powder day or i have a gig, that's where i'm going to be at with very little room for discussion (and what usually gets me the worst is forgetting advanced notice, i tend to just get up and leave when it's time for music or adventure).

so... the bottom line i think, and i've never been married or in a serious relationship for a long time, is that when you are in a relationship and if you want it to last, you decide that you want it to last.  when you make that decision, then you do the right things when you have to to keep the thing going.  they don't work by themselves, like a garden you have to decide to make it grow or it will die.
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good women are out there -- one's who will support your enthusiasm and even encourage it.  i kind of do and don't know -- i lost a good one about six months ago.  she couldn't sing a lick, but she knew how to back me up.  don't let them go, if you get a good one -- sometimes it's just not meant to be, however.
i've been married for 22 years, but my wife is a singer and has always been in  bands full of male musicians - so i guess she gets it - whatever "it" is :)

i always said i would not marry a singer, but then i did...hmmm

what's the secret?  we have three kids and two dogs.  no time to think about ourselves:)

i am 49 and single.  i was married for almost a year once.  i blame my lack of success in relationships on a lot of things.  sometimes on my music carreer.  but who knows if thats it, maybe its just because i am too well endowed physically ... a lot of women just can not handel that.  like i said there are so many different things it could be.


throughout your life many people will come and go.

we must be thankful for the times we had and not resent the the winds of change that blow us in unforeseen directions.

we cannot attempt to hold the past a prisoner, we must adapt.

the world is full of people seeking like-minded people. you'll see.

when one door closes, another opens (and other similar clichés).
" maybe its just because i am too well endowed physically ..."

i guess thatīs natures way of compensating for having a small brain...
i have been married 13 years and have 1 kid, and used to find the issue of time to be very difficult.  while i was in graduate school,  i would slack off on things i needed to do in order to spend time with my family, and then go mad with work.  one of the best things in my life (and marriage) was when i got a steady 9-5 job with set vacation time so i didn't have to make decisions all the time about how much to work.

this is one reason why i know being a professional musician wouldn't work for me (too much freedom in deciding when to work).  i have found that playing piano was not generally a problem, except when i started accompanying one woman who got a little overly friendly (nothing inappropriate, but just really enthusiastic about being with me).  

i have made deliberate decisions to limit my practice time to spend more time with my family, which sometimes hurts when i think about what i could have done with more time.
i guess i should not always be silly (but then again maybe that helps make relationships work too??)

whether you are dealing with a relationship with a friend, lover or your instrument, it's important to remember "you get out of it what you put into it"
lol,  yes gsandberg, and in on little free comment in a music forum thread you solve for me what thousands of dollars and years of psychoanalysis has not been able to.
this is a good topic. trying to balance relationships, jobs, and all that along with practicing and giging isn't easy!
tips for a happy marriage:

1. buy headphones and play at night.
2. play disney for the kids.
3. explain you need to play piano to relieve stress.
4. think about music all the time - jogging, driving etc.
5. convince your wife/partner that you will soon be earning some money from playing.

bro
make your girlfriend play world of warcraft and soon you will find out that you have lots of time to play piano... *ggg*
myself, i'm 41 years old, and i've never been in a relationship in my life.  i know it sounds hard to believe, but i was just never interested.  as a child, through adolescence and into adulthood, music and mathematics were my two strong passions.  i never became bitter, or jaded because i never kissed a woman; i consider myself an incredibly happy, fulfilled, positive and optimstic person.  

savage, i don't believe that anyone should feel like they have to be in a relationship at some point in their lives.  sure, many enjoy it, but others, like myself prefer to put their effort into what i believe are other rewarding pursuits.

i hope this helps!
well, i am a woman, and whether you are male or female, there will always be the issue of acheiving balance in your life.  if you are totally focused on one thing, it will be difficult to maintain a relationship.  men are often jealous of women's hobbies or passions as well.  it can be even worse.
you also have to find the right person -- someone who understands you and is not threatened by your chosen lifestyle/interests.  also, the nature of relationships will change with age.
so art reflects life, and verse vica.
i audition with a band looking for a keyboard player. they rehersed on friday nights. older guys with kids. the sound was great and i got some good comments. then i talked about where they intended to play out and one guy sez the wife don't want him coming home late, etc.
i get a positive email sent to me on my playing, then the next one saying take care. i believe they just wanted to get together on the weekend and play for themselves and stay close to the family.
to me that amounts to musical masturbation. what's the point of sounding good and keeping it to yourself?
they are a rehearsal band and they do it for fun.
if you want to gig, look for that type of band.
i asked about that initially, but was given cloudy answers.  
after being there and hearing the discussion. music and marriage can be like oil and vinegar. at least in this instance.
well...i played for a living for 30 years or so.  i now play at home for my own enjoyment.  is there something wrong with that?

i got tired of having to play for everyone else.  somewhere along the way i forgot who i was or why i got into music in the first place.  was it to feed my ego or nurture my spirit?  hmmm....

the money was cool too - and it allowed me to spend real quality time with my family in it's formative years
sorry...how'd this turn into a rant? i need more therapy...:)
well, tune, it seems that musicians should marry each other if they want to spend any time together, and probably play in the same band!
some examples of that are ingrid jensen and toshiko akiyoshi.
maybe you're right. relationships can be tough for musicians just for the money aspect.
for what it's worth, my wife and i had always been in different groups.  business wise it was good to not put all or eggs in one basket....and we could leave job headaches at work.  most couples we know that worked together ended up divorced...
most couples (in the usa) end up divorced no matter what. that's the statistics.
i wonder if they all work together?  heh heh :)
speaking of relationships.... cynbad.. are you married?
it depends on my mood.
i've been married 3 times and music tends to get in the way of the marriage but then being married gets in the way of my music.  what to do?  keep jammin and keep getting married when the mood strikes.
so there really are 40 year old virgins. lol. whatever makes you happy is the most important thing.
i didn't become virginal until i married. lol.

i've now been married 48 years !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wow, kai -- congratulations!!!
if your relationship doesn't work well, than i would suggest that you should definitely spend more time with your wife. but i would say, there are many approaches to having successful family time and piano practice. you could, however,

1. if she sings or dances, have her spend some time having fun with you during the time you practice. involve her and your children to sing or dance. you must be a really good player for that to happen and you must have a large repetoire of songs in mind. either that or you must improvise on a number of tunes to keep the night going!

2. teach your wife or children to play the piano. it will likely turn out that your children will enjoy the stuff you are teaching and they may want to learn the piano themselves in the future. this is good because it helps you pull out the stuff that you already know and helps you remember material that you learned a long time ago.
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